Woah haven't been on here in awhile. Here's a work in progress for my newest photo!
Just a few more tweaks and it's ready for print, :]

139/365 these things will never end

139/365 these things will never end, a photo by Caitlyn Penke on Flickr.

they lay there
motionless, lifeless, dead.
but their spirits
playful, alive, but demonic.
"come play with us,"
they say.
"come play with the dead."
because death is only the beginning
but the beginning will soon lead to an end.
they will taunt you ,
lure you in
until you are trapped.
these things will never end.

because these things won't end, they never end. they only begin, but beginnings must end, but ends must begin, it's a perpetual cycle.

and that my friends....is exactly how i feel.
i want to gut punch someone so hard, kick him so hard, slap him and scratch him and scream and pray that then only then he will wake up. wake back up to the guy he used to be.

thinking

thinking, a photo by Caitlyn Penke on Flickr.

All these things I’m thinking, I was thinking of only you. Of all the things I’m thinking, I’m thinking I love you.

I'm trying to get back into using this blog site even though I barely have any followers. Anyways today I felt completely trapped. I left my house with camera in hand and my lens I hardly ever use and went to the baseball fields. I wanted to play around, I want to grow, I want to learn. It's just hard because I'm severely lacking motivation and even though I have great ideas, I chicken out because i don't want to do the hard work, ie. multiple images to composite into the final, getting the props, going to the location, etc. etc. My list of why I won't go out could go on and on!

Hope all is well with everyone and no one see's me as a disappointment like I do. It's just hard because I feel like I have nothing to look forward too at all now. Yes, I have so much to work forward too such as in my work, but in the goal of getting everything done, I have nothing.

headfuck.

headfuck., a photo by Amy Spanos on Flickr.

hey guys. it's been months since i was on my blogger. literally months. january 26th to be exact. for some reason because the number 26 is so important to me, i didn't want to add posts. i wanted to leave that number there forever.

life has been hell for me lately, i think Amy's photo there can completely show that for me. It's funny I was actually contemplating a photo like this, but with my new fear of driving to Mendon and the weather still being so screwy I've not made it out there to shoot something like this.

As anyone who knows me, they know I'm pregnant. Whoopedy doo. It's life, right? Things happen. But to be honest, I couldn't be more excited! I always thought about having a baby with the guy I loved and now it's happening. It's going to be hard though because well I'm by myself in this, raising the kid, I still have to go to school, work, etc. I'm just glad I have some super supportive friends and family who can be by my side to help.
I am about 17 weeks pregnant now. I hardly look it for multiple reasons. My doctor told me first time pregnant girls sometimes hardly show until literally the 6th month. The girls in my family, I guess this is hereditary hardly show for the longest time as well, but also because I've lost almost 40 pounds since the beginning of my pregnancy, the baby bump I do have, just looks like my normal fat flab I used to have!
Scary stuff. I find out the sex in a few weeks. I have names picked out!
Girls:
Alysana, Aurelia, or Ilithyia. The middle name is Quinn.
Guys:
Beckett, Bowen (Nicknamed Beau), and Kayden. The middle name being Mark.
The last name will be hyphenated to Penke-Repka.

Well that's all the rambling I will do for now!

you took my soul away

I feel like nothing. I feel like I'm dying. The 26th of every month is always so special to me and today it just makes me feel even more dead inside. I can't do this anymore, I can't take anything anymore. I really feeling like I'm dying and it scares me because you aren't here to help me. You aren't here to save me if I stop breathing in my sleep, or comfort me with your hums, and funny looks, your warmth and your innocent smile, to stroke me hair, or nothing.

I feel like I'm dying and I'm scared....

the story of my life

i get stuck watching hannah montana alone in my room.
i feel miserable, alone, and tired.
and well instead of how normal girls get morning sickness, this girl right here gets night sickness.

go me!!

Identity Theft

Been a lot going on lately, would rather just post the link for any of you to catch up, so go to the link down below.....

Identity Theft Story

all these memories

 

blah, only some of my favorite photos out of the 100+ i have.

i just want to die.

i want all this fucking shit to end.
i want my head to stop exploding with the thoughts of you.
i want to forget i ever had a best friend; the guy who was there for me before we were even "together."
i want to forget the past 2+ years of my life.
i want everything gone.

i want to smash my head in, in hopes i'll get amnesia.
i want to forget you.
i want the thoughts of you to go away, 'cause even just these thoughts hurt me like fucking hell.

i want to know why you did what you did.
i want to know why you deliberately let them completely  
mind fuck me and emotionally fuck me over.
i want to know why you gave in to them.

i want to know why.
i want to forget you.
i want to know why.
i want to forget you.
 

you saw the light in me that no one else could

...but without you, it's fading.

 

I’m going to follow this through even though I’m crying
 I’d even go to the world of darkness
I know you’ll be there to light my way until the end.
And with you I’ll run past the future 

Theres nothing in this world that can bring my spirits down just please believe me, 

My way, will help us learn to be one.
The two of us God bless.

 God knows that I will follow you if that is what you wanted
Take me into all your darkest shadows
And you’ll see that I’m even stronger than you could know
God knows that I am standing here and you could disappear
Slipping right over the edge of the future
If I had my way we’d be together forever
Eternally God bless…

fuck me, fuck you, i can't take this fucking shit anymore. 

my body is giving out on me.

my mental and emotional status are fucked because of them.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. 

i wish you could see what you've let them done.

 

stuck in dreamland

i'm losing grip on reality, i'm losing grip of my own mind. i'm beginning to lose. beginning to fall. here i am, finding myself trapped, trapped in dreamland; where nothing is real at all and it's all just in my head....

i dreamed about you again last night Pokey. it all felt so real once again, so real that i didn’t want to wake up, but if i didn’t i’d feel lost in it forever. the warmth of your body on mine and your heated smile. the way when you caressed your fingers along my skin and traced it delicately sent me tingling and the butterflies erupted from me inside. i spent the night in my dreamland, perched on your lap, head resting in the crook of your shoulder where it always perfectly fits, listening to the rhythm of your heart beat; my favorite melody to me.  i could’ve spent all day and night in this dreamland, but it’s not real. i need you right now Pokey, more than you’ll ever know, because for some reason when i actually see you, i can act strong, but deep down i’m not. it’s a mere façade i put on for you, to make you think i’m better than that. in reality though, as soon as your out of my sights, i’m perfectly broken, shattered, and lost.  i wish you could just see how i am, when i’m not hiding what i’m actually feeling, i wish you could see how shattered i am right now and not the person i’m hiding to be…

i used to be a fighter,
where i fought for what i wanted,
but now i can only be a dreamer,
 trapped away here in dreamland,
where nothing is real at all.

the full story  

i still miss you babe...

i don't wanna close my eyes
it's been our song for over a year and a half. our song.
and it still means the world to me.
every word, every rhythm.
because everything about this song was us,
it was reality, it was true.

i still want to watch you smile in your sleep,
i still want to listen to your heart beat.
i still want everything.
i still want you.

91/365 far away and dreaming

91/365 far away and dreaming
Originally uploaded by Caitlyn Penke

haven't posted on here lately, i've been kind of dead.
so click the photo for some catch up on everything. :/

87/365 empty; hallow

87/365 empty; hallow
Originally uploaded by Caitlyn Penke

the feeling of being empty, the feeling of being hallow.
how haunting it is...

 

[i’m at home]
i’m hungry, i’m bored, i’m tired, i’m anxious.
but most of all i’m lazy…
so fucking lazy to get off my sorry ass and get me some food, or pick up the broken pieces of my life and superglue them back together. not just glue them, but superglue them as to hold them there for time.
so god damn lazy, so god damn sorry.
what happened to me…

83/365 My Faith Still Grows

83/365 My Faith Still Grows
Originally uploaded by Caitlyn Penke

Uploading this for now...it might get deleted later, i'm not sure.