to who follows me...

i’ve given photography a break for now, hopefully i’ll take my first photo in over a week and a half tomorrow.
life kinda got turned upside down for me last thursday and i don’t really want to talk about it right now, so maybe tomorrow i can have a photo that portrays my feelings. :/

Stop this World from Spinning

Stressed, hating everything right now, confused, wanting the friggin holidays to be done, just everything. UGHHH.

 

Caitlyn Penke. December 2010. ©

Tonight I went to an Ice Skating Show at RIT with Katrya.
It was really cool to see so many talented skaters and it makes me regret not ever being able to learn how to figure skate. It also made me miss dancing a lot because technically it is dancing on ice....

I attempted to take some photographs, but I didn't really have a decent lens and well so all the girls look tiny and my flash bounced back at me so either they have flash glare or they are dark.
Haha you can never win now can you? Maybe I'll post some of them.

Afterwards though I skated a bit myself, and luckily I didn't fall on my bum. :]
Katrya was graceful going around the rink, I was alright, but can't skate one legged or backwards (figured) and Beena couldn't really keep up with any of it.

All in all though it was a great night out for me and I really needed it.
Thanks guys. :]

My Photography

I know my photography is dark and sometimes slightly demented, but that doesn't mean I am what my photos represent. My photos are messages that I share with the world and it fills me with joy when someone says they can actually relate to my image. In life, I'm a happy, fun loving person. I'm going places, I have a dream. My photography isn't me, it's an art. I'm not depressing like my photos, I just like darker photos. I learn so much more through doing manipulations on these darker images, than I would with happier and joyful photos. I love happy photos and I do take them and when I do I absolutely love them, because those photos are me, they represent me as a person and how joyful and happy I am. I learn more on my darker images, and these skills I have developed I can use later down the road in my journey and soon use them in my happier photos as well!

My photos are my art, and I wish for people to respect them. To see them as art, and not alter their views on me because of them. I am Caitlyn, a happy, loving, joyful person. I love, I breathe, I love. It's who I am. I create photos in the moment, photos to represent life, even if I can't neccessaraily relate to my own photos, I know others can and well I love it. :]

The Only Fish For Me

 

You make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me feel loved. You are the fish....the only fish for me. <3

I know this was already posted, but I added a new caption to it and I think tomorrow I will shoot a photo that links that caption to an image and how I feel.

My only fish, the fish that is for me...well let's just say I'm willing to fight for my fish because that's what you do when your in love. 

because i update my blogs and flickr with all the same stuff...

Dear World,
Today I'm going to tell you something...
My name is Caitlyn Penke. I'm a fun, loving person, kind, courageous, and only looking for acceptance from others. I don't like to hurt people and most of all I don't like to cry. I've found in this world there is only one person that can make me cry and that's my boyfriend and I would do anything for him. My love for him isn't unconditional like some would say, but I love him. Recently, I've been going through a really rough time and have been down a lot. But let me tell you...my photos are an art of expression, they aren't who I am. They reflect the messages I want to send to others and to the world. Some days I may say how I feel down and how I hate my photos, but that doesn't mean I am my photo, that doesn't mean I do those things my photos resemble. Never in the world could I imagine myself to drink, cut, or allow someone to torment me and leave me in a corner to rot. I enjoy the darker genre and by shooting these photos, I also am able to teach myself techniques that I can't use in happier photos and techniques I can use further down the road in my career. My photos aren't me, they are messages to the world and I always enjoy the positive feed back that I receive from them. They make me know that I am doing good for someone else who actually is going through something like that and it makes me gleam with joy when someone tells me that they want to change their ways because of a single photograph of mine. Lately though, I've received negative feed back from people not in the Flickr world. I'm given an "alter ego" if that's the right words and told that i am my photos and what I create is disturbing. This really hurts me, not to sound corny, it breaks my heart. I've never seen myself in the place of some of my photos, except the more happier examples. It hurts to know that people who know me, have changed their opinion of me just because of my art. In the end, I guess that's the problem, my art is who I am so that means I must be a depressing, sad, lonely person. That's not true. I am me. I am Caitlyn Allyse Penke, 18 years old, a kid in love, a fighter, a strong willed young woman, determined, and yes I am going places. A few months ago, I would've never said this about myself, but through my 365 and experiences in life, and people who effect it negatively I have learned I am strong. I can fight for what I want. And that's just what I'm going to do. I'm not going to to let someone else's opinion's change who I am, because in reality, these people who actually know me, should know the real me, not this "alter ego" they have made up. If they truly knew me to begin with, they wouldn't judge me based on these photos I make, they would judge me for the girl I am.
I'm in love. With the best boy in the world. Why should I suffer from what people think, as why should he have to bare the stress from what other people tell him about me? It's not fair and it's going to change and that isn't going to be me losing him. I don't care if I can't see him 24/7. I don't care if I can't talk to him all the time. When your in a relationship it doesn't matter how much time your able to spend time together, or see eachother, as long as they're in your thoughts, that's all that matters. A relationship isn't always being at their side...even though that would be fantastic. It's the love you share for each other, and the looks you give to each other, and the fun, and the simple little gifts they surprise you with. And now I must say, AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER MAKE YOU DREAD WANTING TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM. THEY SHOULDN'T ALTER YOUR OPINIONS OF THAT PERSON AND MAKE YOU THINK THEY ARE SOMEONE THAT THEY AREN'T. NO ONE EVER SHOULD MAKE YOU NOT WANT TO SEE SOMEONE CAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE THEM OR SAY THAT THEY COULD POSSIBLY TO BETTER. NO ONE EVER IN THIS WORLD SHOULD EVER MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR SPENDING TIME WITH SOMEONE. It's not fair and it only leads to stress and hurt.
Mark Repka, I love you with all my heart.
_______________________________________________________
I'm thinking of quitting my 365, I don't think the stress is worth it even though I get such positive feedback. This project has made me feel like a better person, but the negativeness is affecting me in words I can't explain. I'm a few days behind and I plan to catch up while I'm on break. (And right now I wish I wasn't on break.) But I strongly feel that the right thing for me is to stop my 365 and maybe stop posting all together. It might help the situation in my life if I only stop. I would make my account private, but then other Flickr people wouldn't be able to see it and all I want is for everyone to see it. So I think the best thing to do is just stop my project by the end of December and maybe not post at all. It might even be better if I change my major and only keep my photography as a hobby, or perhaps never touch a camera again. I'm really sorry. I feel broken. My photos have made me such a  happier person inside,  but the negativity is killing me just as much, just like it's hurting someone else that I care deeply about. I just want that hurt to stop on that person, I don't want to see them broken as well.

I'm sorry....

Sincerely,
Caitlyn Allyse Penke.

They Say There's More Than One Fish In the Sea...

....but I only want this one.

 

Inspired by so many things, but also inspired by Mark in a way. :]

Day 73 out of 365. 

Caitlyn Penke. December 2010. ©

I'm Leaving My Mark Here.

Woah, so sorry this has taken so long to upload, this was last Thursday 365 Photo.
Been really down lately, but don't worry, I'm still working on sorting a lot of things out.
So here's the shot and a few of the outtakes.
Later on in the year, I'm going to reshoot this concept, because I actually had sketched out an idea for a similiar photo months ago, but I forgot about it and found it after the photo was all done.

I'm leaving my mark here, so you'll know, that I'm not far from forgotten...

Caitlyn Penke. December 2010. ©


Outtakes:

These look like crap and aren't edited. :]

I think I kind of dropped off the internet world....

Well so, here's an update guys...
School and life in general have been stressing me out, so if I've been ignoring your texts or any messages in general, I apologize, I've been super stressed and annoyed with everything in general and got upset on Thursday when I nearly had to drop close to 400 bucks on a flash and cable all to use it for one project....hopefully that thing gets some use in the future.

Anyways, I know my last post was near Wednesday, but I have to find the time to edit my photos from last week so I can get back in order and proceed with the project.

Just letting you know I'm not dead ;)

Silence

Day 69 of my 365. 
Still playing around with new editing techniques.

This was my interpretation for 'Silence' for a group on Flickr.

I had a lot of fun doing this though. Ripping up this shirt and covering it in blood and smooshing it into the cold ground outside to get it dirty. I took a 30 minute shower after this, and I'm still stained red! It's rediculous. Hahah

Well anyways, yesterday was a quasi-happy photo and today became a depressing one, buttttt..... IM IN A FANTASTIC MOOD!! :]

Left in a corner, bruised and battered, I will sit here lonely....in silence.

Life can get you down sometimes, but you always got to find a way to get back up.

December 8th, 2010. ©

tell me that you love me

Day 68 of my 365.
I was trying to learn some new photoshop techniques, so I edited this entirely different than I do with all my other photos. Meaning none of the skills I already knew were used, so these are all new experimental techniques I used. I quite fancy how this photo turned out and I even tried to challenge myself and clone in more rose petals. But I'm liking this new edit, so hopefully I can reproduce something like this in my future photos. :]

i need to know that you love me, that i still mean something to you. i need to know that our love is still there, i still need you here.

December 7th, 2010. ©

Mark's Poem

Cause I really need to make this thing less bare, I'm posting a poem I had written for my boyfriend about a week ago... :]

you are the one who holds me tight,
the one who’d kiss me to sleep at night.
the guy who wraps me in his strong embrace,
always managing to put a smile on my face.
the guy who soothes me even more,
the person, the person i love him for.
he kisses and hugs me very close,
the thing i love the very most.
he cuddles me and snuggles me with all his care,
and sometimes i can’t help but stare.
he’s cute and adorable,
funny and clean,
and one things for sure he’s never mean.
we will wrestle and fuss and be tossed around,
but we’ll always do it without wearing a frown.
the guy who makes me feel safe in his arms,
hoping that he will never fall far.
determined and strong,
young and straight forward,
so smart and encouraging,
i envy him for.
what an intriguing personality he has,
with his eyes as deep as the ocean.
he sees me clearly for who i am,
and doesn’t care to judge me for a second.
my love, my support, my hero he is,
i long to keep him all to me.
i love to listen to the beat of his heart,
and when absent from time the tears will start.
he’ll keep me warm when i get cold,
and he’ll adjust my sweater which never gets old.
this guy has some talented musical fingers,
they tremble and tap and on the keys they will linger.
not only do these fingers play a harmony so well,
they’ll tend to hold me and squeeze and really ring my bell.
we’ll have tickle fights we can hardly bare,
but it’s all in good fun we hardly care.
my geek, my boy, my princess too,
what’s important though is that i have you.
for you’ll hold me and love me,
that’s all we’ll do,
but most importantly I love you.

 Sooo my name is Caitlyn. This is my second blog.....and yea? Maybe I'll post more personal things on this one and save my other one just for my photography. :]

www.caitlynallysepenke.tumblr.com.

December 2010. Self Portrait.