Thursday, April 7, 2011

139/365 these things will never end

they lay there
motionless, lifeless, dead.
but their spirits
playful, alive, but demonic.
"come play with us,"
they say.
"come play with the dead."
because death is only the beginning
but the beginning will soon lead to an end.
they will taunt you ,
lure you in
until you are trapped.
these things will never end.

because these things won't end, they never end. they only begin, but beginnings must end, but ends must begin, it's a perpetual cycle.

and that my exactly how i feel.
i want to gut punch someone so hard, kick him so hard, slap him and scratch him and scream and pray that then only then he will wake up. wake back up to the guy he used to be.

Friday, April 1, 2011


thinking by Caitlyn Penke
thinking, a photo by Caitlyn Penke on Flickr.

All these things I’m thinking, I was thinking of only you. Of all the things I’m thinking, I’m thinking I love you.

I'm trying to get back into using this blog site even though I barely have any followers. Anyways today I felt completely trapped. I left my house with camera in hand and my lens I hardly ever use and went to the baseball fields. I wanted to play around, I want to grow, I want to learn. It's just hard because I'm severely lacking motivation and even though I have great ideas, I chicken out because i don't want to do the hard work, ie. multiple images to composite into the final, getting the props, going to the location, etc. etc. My list of why I won't go out could go on and on!

Hope all is well with everyone and no one see's me as a disappointment like I do. It's just hard because I feel like I have nothing to look forward too at all now. Yes, I have so much to work forward too such as in my work, but in the goal of getting everything done, I have nothing.


headfuck. by Amy Spanos
headfuck., a photo by Amy Spanos on Flickr.
hey guys. it's been months since i was on my blogger. literally months. january 26th to be exact. for some reason because the number 26 is so important to me, i didn't want to add posts. i wanted to leave that number there forever.

life has been hell for me lately, i think Amy's photo there can completely show that for me. It's funny I was actually contemplating a photo like this, but with my new fear of driving to Mendon and the weather still being so screwy I've not made it out there to shoot something like this.

As anyone who knows me, they know I'm pregnant. Whoopedy doo. It's life, right? Things happen. But to be honest, I couldn't be more excited! I always thought about having a baby with the guy I loved and now it's happening. It's going to be hard though because well I'm by myself in this, raising the kid, I still have to go to school, work, etc. I'm just glad I have some super supportive friends and family who can be by my side to help.
I am about 17 weeks pregnant now. I hardly look it for multiple reasons. My doctor told me first time pregnant girls sometimes hardly show until literally the 6th month. The girls in my family, I guess this is hereditary hardly show for the longest time as well, but also because I've lost almost 40 pounds since the beginning of my pregnancy, the baby bump I do have, just looks like my normal fat flab I used to have!
Scary stuff. I find out the sex in a few weeks. I have names picked out!
Alysana, Aurelia, or Ilithyia. The middle name is Quinn.
Beckett, Bowen (Nicknamed Beau), and Kayden. The middle name being Mark.
The last name will be hyphenated to Penke-Repka.

Well that's all the rambling I will do for now!