Friday, December 17, 2010
because i update my blogs and flickr with all the same stuff...
Today I'm going to tell you something...
My name is Caitlyn Penke. I'm a fun, loving person, kind, courageous, and only looking for acceptance from others. I don't like to hurt people and most of all I don't like to cry. I've found in this world there is only one person that can make me cry and that's my boyfriend and I would do anything for him. My love for him isn't unconditional like some would say, but I love him. Recently, I've been going through a really rough time and have been down a lot. But let me tell you...my photos are an art of expression, they aren't who I am. They reflect the messages I want to send to others and to the world. Some days I may say how I feel down and how I hate my photos, but that doesn't mean I am my photo, that doesn't mean I do those things my photos resemble. Never in the world could I imagine myself to drink, cut, or allow someone to torment me and leave me in a corner to rot. I enjoy the darker genre and by shooting these photos, I also am able to teach myself techniques that I can't use in happier photos and techniques I can use further down the road in my career. My photos aren't me, they are messages to the world and I always enjoy the positive feed back that I receive from them. They make me know that I am doing good for someone else who actually is going through something like that and it makes me gleam with joy when someone tells me that they want to change their ways because of a single photograph of mine. Lately though, I've received negative feed back from people not in the Flickr world. I'm given an "alter ego" if that's the right words and told that i am my photos and what I create is disturbing. This really hurts me, not to sound corny, it breaks my heart. I've never seen myself in the place of some of my photos, except the more happier examples. It hurts to know that people who know me, have changed their opinion of me just because of my art. In the end, I guess that's the problem, my art is who I am so that means I must be a depressing, sad, lonely person. That's not true. I am me. I am Caitlyn Allyse Penke, 18 years old, a kid in love, a fighter, a strong willed young woman, determined, and yes I am going places. A few months ago, I would've never said this about myself, but through my 365 and experiences in life, and people who effect it negatively I have learned I am strong. I can fight for what I want. And that's just what I'm going to do. I'm not going to to let someone else's opinion's change who I am, because in reality, these people who actually know me, should know the real me, not this "alter ego" they have made up. If they truly knew me to begin with, they wouldn't judge me based on these photos I make, they would judge me for the girl I am.
I'm in love. With the best boy in the world. Why should I suffer from what people think, as why should he have to bare the stress from what other people tell him about me? It's not fair and it's going to change and that isn't going to be me losing him. I don't care if I can't see him 24/7. I don't care if I can't talk to him all the time. When your in a relationship it doesn't matter how much time your able to spend time together, or see eachother, as long as they're in your thoughts, that's all that matters. A relationship isn't always being at their side...even though that would be fantastic. It's the love you share for each other, and the looks you give to each other, and the fun, and the simple little gifts they surprise you with. And now I must say, AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER MAKE YOU DREAD WANTING TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM. THEY SHOULDN'T ALTER YOUR OPINIONS OF THAT PERSON AND MAKE YOU THINK THEY ARE SOMEONE THAT THEY AREN'T. NO ONE EVER SHOULD MAKE YOU NOT WANT TO SEE SOMEONE CAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE THEM OR SAY THAT THEY COULD POSSIBLY TO BETTER. NO ONE EVER IN THIS WORLD SHOULD EVER MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR SPENDING TIME WITH SOMEONE. It's not fair and it only leads to stress and hurt.
Mark Repka, I love you with all my heart.
I'm thinking of quitting my 365, I don't think the stress is worth it even though I get such positive feedback. This project has made me feel like a better person, but the negativeness is affecting me in words I can't explain. I'm a few days behind and I plan to catch up while I'm on break. (And right now I wish I wasn't on break.) But I strongly feel that the right thing for me is to stop my 365 and maybe stop posting all together. It might help the situation in my life if I only stop. I would make my account private, but then other Flickr people wouldn't be able to see it and all I want is for everyone to see it. So I think the best thing to do is just stop my project by the end of December and maybe not post at all. It might even be better if I change my major and only keep my photography as a hobby, or perhaps never touch a camera again. I'm really sorry. I feel broken. My photos have made me such a happier person inside, but the negativity is killing me just as much, just like it's hurting someone else that I care deeply about. I just want that hurt to stop on that person, I don't want to see them broken as well.
Caitlyn Allyse Penke.